you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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