I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize