1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
