Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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