my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
