"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
