He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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