If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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