You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
