So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize