So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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