Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
