So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
