i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize