I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
