it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
In other news, I just burned my penis
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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