I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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