We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
