i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
