you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
