I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
