She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize