Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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