I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
