I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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