What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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