i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
