i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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