how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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