Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
