I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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