I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
