My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
