dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
