Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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