We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
