Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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