we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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