Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
