He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
