i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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