CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize