I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
