I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
