Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
