i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
