I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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