Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
