Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
40s are totally the cure
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
how drunk are you?
Several
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
