I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
