Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
