I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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