i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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