The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize