If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
