Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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