And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I am naked and annoyed.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
