Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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